Today I welcome my guest David Cardall...who is also my kids dad and my husband. He wanted to come share his long journey to embracing gentle/connection based parenting.
For a long time how we parented was a huge piece of conflict in our marriage as our kids began to struggle with mental health and defiance. He thought therapy was hokey, he believed connection based/relationship first parents were pushovers. He thought tough love and punishments were the answer.
I couldn't change him, as much as I tried. I wanted to control him and well that shockingly didn't work out very well. We didn't trust each other, we weren't united and it was so difficult.
It was finally in a family therapy session that the therapist told us we needed to be united and we sat down and decided what we valued in our family, what our values were in parenting and what practices supported those values. That was the game changer, what did we value?
We wanted the same things for our kids. We wanted them to feel loved and valued and to have a close relationship with them. Dave realized he wasn't the safe parent who they came to with struggles and he wanted to be that person. I am so incredibly proud of him for the humility it took to change. That he has put in the work with his own triggers so he can be the calm in the storm. I watch our kids when they are mad or sad or angry go to him now, often over me and I am so thankful.
We don't parent the same way even still. We do things differently and that is needed for sure for our kids. We don't have to be the same to be united in what we value. There is a phrase, "we aren't on the same page" I hear often when I work with parents. Often people use it to mean their spouse doesn't do things how they do or they don't like how their spouse parents. Being on the same page doesn't mean you are the same, but it can mean you value the same things and make decisions together how that looks in your home.