African Proverb:
"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth."
When our kids behaviors feel like they are trying to "burn down our village." How are we responding? Are we throwing gasoline on the fire where it turns into a raging bonfire or are we working on extinguishing it by staying calm and being a soft place to land?
Challenging behaviors are communication that our kids are struggling. By having that perspective it can help us take a deep breath when they are defiant, talking back etc and look beyond those behaviors to what is really going on.
Don't take it personally, these difficult behaviors aren't about you...really they aren't. If we can be mindful of what behaviors trigger us and dig deep into why they trigger us it can help our relationship with our kids so much. We are human beings and it's normal to be triggered, however we also have the power to step back and stay calm and grounded. We have the power to extinguish the flames and deepen our connection and relationship.
My husband Dave shares his own challenges and triggers with defiant behaviors and how difficult it was to learn how to control those. When we react to challenging behaviors and fight fire with fire, we immediately disconnect from our child and breed resentment.
Our greatest influence is within a connected relationship with our kids. Set things aside that don't matter so much and just SEE your child. Often kids want to burn things down because they aren't seen and heard.
Fear is often a trigger for parents. For instance we may think if our child is defiant towards us now, in the future they may end up in jail and become a criminal. Or getting an F this term will mean they don't graduate from high school. So we double down on our kids and punishments because of fear for their future.
I never make any good parenting decisions out of fear. Stay in the present, stay in the relationship, communicate and connect instead of control. Do the next right thing.