Podcast episode 54:
How to deal with others judgements
Umm happy new year…a month late! It is February 1st 2022 and this is my first episode this year. January was a super challenging month. My father had a stroke on January 3rd, never regained consciousness and passed away on the 10th. The 17th was his funeral and then my family got Covid. In the midst of all of that I had a root canal, cracked and extracted tooth. It was a doozy, so the podcast got pushed back a month. I needed to take the time to spend lots of time with my siblings and mom, be with my own kids, feel all the emotions that come from a deep loss (still feeling them obviously) before I could start up again. But here I am, I have so many wonderful episodes coming up in the next few months. Stay tuned.
*Oh your son got into his three dream universities with a full ride scholarship??
Of COURSE he did, look at who his parents are!
*Your daughter is the student of the month due to her straight A’s and work with the homeless?
You guys are such amazing parents, show me your ways!
Wow your kids are so obedient and listen to you so well, what amazing parents you are.
Your son is raising funds to send to orphans in Africa? What a kid! He learned it from the best!
Oh wow that kid didn’t even graduate from high school…
Of course he didn’t, look at who his parents are.
Did you hear that Cheryl gets calls weekly from the assistant principal and her kids got suspended?
They really need to be more strict
Your kid has meltdowns and puts holes in walls and breaks things?
He really needs harshers punishments to stop him from doing that.
Why do you let your kid talk to you like that? I would never allow him to say those words to me.
Oh the judgements levied at us as parents…sometimes they feel great when your kids are succeeding and doing well, however if you are raising a complex kid with extra challenges, with neurodiversity you often get negative judgements and TONS of parenting advice thrown your way.
Can we see that both sides of the judgements are harmful? The praising of parents for their kids accomplishments is just as harmful as criticizing us for their challenges. What if the kid who had full ride scholarships goes to college, gets overwhelmed struggles and flunks out? Is that his parents fault?
What if the student of the month suddenly develops crippling anxiety due to perfectionism and can’t get out of bed in the morning to go to school? Is that the parents fault?
Basing our parenting successes and failures on our kids accomplishments and behaviors is detrimental to everyone. I shared this quote by Dr. Ross Greene on my Instagram this week and it says,
“Parents of behaviorally challenging kids get much more blame than they deserve for their kids’ difficulties, just as parents of well-behaved kids get much more credit than they deserve for their kids’ positive attributes.”
Neither of us deserve the credit or the blame. Our kids come as they are. Some are compliant and motivated and fit well into the box society says they should be in. Some just don’t.
Now let me do state before I go on, that we as parents do have great influence on our children. We model for them many different things. They often follow our lead and our advice. We for sure need to be working on us and modeling good behavior, be good examples, be good citizens and people show them how we treat others, have a good work ethic and how to work through our own emotions and struggles. Many kids will follow their parents lead and do well in school, be compliant, and find success without much prodding from their parents.
However if you are raising a child who has some complex issues and challenges, everything changes. Neurodivergent is defined as:
differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal.
That is often used to describe kids on the autism spectrum, but is also used to describe kids who have mental illness, ADHD, ODD, Tourette syndrome, those who have suffered trauma among other things.
These kids don’t fit into the typical box we often think kids need to be in. In fact these kids smash the box open, kick it around and throw it away often as parents watch in disbelief and wonder what in the world they are supposed to do. Most parenting books, podcasts, courses are made for neurotypical kids. There isn’t a lot out there to help parents of kids who come to them pushing boundaries, defying rules, failing school and just being really difficult to parent.
Parenting kids who are neurodivergent, who have extra struggles is an entirely different ball game. One of the hardest things for me has been the loneliness that comes because you really have to be careful who you share the nitty gritty details with. Most people either don’t want to hear it, or you can’t trust them with your struggles or they look on in horror as you talk and then want to give you all sorts of advice. There is so much judgement towards parents of kids with challenges from people who just can’t understand.
My husband and I have been told we are too lenient, AND we are enabling helicopter parents. We have been told we need to have more tough love AND more structure. We have actually been told to pull out the belt and beat that defiance out of them. It’s been said to us, “I would NEVER let that happen in my home or I would NEVER let my child say those words to me!”
It is exhausting to live with this kind of judgement! Every single parent I have worked with who has kids with these challenges deals with this judgement, deals with this lack of support and feels deep isolation and loneliness and to be honest depression. It is a tough path we are on that we didn’t ask for and don’t know what to do a lot of the time because let’s be honest that advice isn’t helpful and won’t change a thing because our kids behaviors go much deeper than any tough love consequence or a belt will change. Their behaviors are due to a dysregulated nervous system and deep seeded brain development issues and no behavior chart or common method is going to prevent the blow ups, get them out of bed for school or stop the defiance. Warrior parents of warrior kids have to go DEEP, we have to get professional help and support. We have to learn massive self control and learn new ways of parenting that might feel completely counterintuitive.
So how to we deal with the judgements and advice that inevitably come? How do we not let those judgements weigh us down, fill us with deep shame? I mean it is easy to go down the rabbit hole that this must mean something about us, because if we were just a better parent our kids wouldn’t act this way? So many stares, eye rolls and gossip behind our backs. So little empathy, listening ears and an arm around us for support. How do we deal with this?
I got sick of letting other peoples judgements and comments weigh me down. I needed to shed that weight of other peoples perceptions of me and let it roll off my back. Here are a few tools I have learned and utilize:
- What other people think of your parenting is none of your business. They can have their ideas and thoughts and beliefs about your parenting. You do not have to listen or take that on. In order to be able to do this, you MUST gain confidence in who you are as a parent. You must gain confidence that you are this children’s parent for a reason. I am a woman of faith and believe in God. I believe my children were sent to me for a reason, I truly believe I am the best mom for them. I don’t believe in consequences when it comes to families being put together. Whether you believe in God or in another power in the universe, I want you to believe that you are the best parent for them. You have it within you to know what to do, to seek help when you are overwhelmed and to love them fiercely which is your super power. Also dig in, learn about your child, become the expert on them, learn about their diagnoses so you can share it with others. Learn what works to build a good relationship with them.
- Tell the compassionate story. When your mother in law or a teacher or friends starts in with the advice, say in your mind, they are trying to help. They have yours and your child’s best interest in mind and think they are being supportive. Here are some phrases you can use. “Thank you for your input, I’ll think it over.” “You might be right, thats a different perspective.” If you feel like you can sit and listen and not get triggered or filled with shame…however if you can’t stand it one more time…
- You can set a boundary and kindly but firmly interrupt them and say, “You know we have tried everything conventional and need some different strategies with this kid because they struggle in some unique ways. Would you like to hear what we have learned?” Maybe it can open up a discussion as to particular challenges and needs. Maybe it can help you garner some support. Educate people on your child and what they struggle with, tell them what you have learned about their brain and their diagnoses and why you parent them how you do.
Tell story of Epi at the football game.
- Humor, learn to laugh. We had a brother in law giving us advice, and it really was well meaning and he was trying to help, but he hasn’t ever raised a child with these types of challenges. In the course of the conversation we said in good humor and laughed a bit, “Hey we agree with you on all of those points, we really wish we could make those happen. It just doesn’t work for our kid.” He maybe gained some insight and it was done in a light hearted way.
- Maybe people aren’t judging you as much as you think they are. Maybe they are trying to help, maybe they are in awe of you as a parent and maybe we get overly sensitive that everyone is thinking we are doing it wrong. ‘
I know it feels so heavy to feel the judgement and listen to all the advice. Please know I get it, I mean I GET it. However being defensive toward people all the time isn’t a fun place to live, living in a dark pit (and believe me I’ve been there) isn’t a life, living in scarcity and loneliness is not a way to thrive. We have the power to allow others to think what they want about our kids, about our parenting and about our lives and not let it weigh us down. Shed that weight of others judgements, or of their perceived judgements and live confidently and in love. It will allow you to love yourself AND your child better and more powerfully. We aren’t perfect at this and I often have to be very mindful and realize I’m letting the weight of others pull me down.
The lessons you can learn, the empathy you can gain and the powerful love you can gain for your child, yourself and others is incredible. Your path can lead you down some thorny roads, but it can also open you up to beautiful vistas and incredible lessons.
Very soon I will be opening up a support group for parents in the nitty gritty trenches to have a soft place to land, to find support and to be with people who get it. It will be affordable and accessible. Stay tuned for more information. As soon as Instagram gets their new subscription offerings available i will start it.