Dr. Brad Reedy who has a Phd in marriage and family therapy has a unique perspective on teens who struggle. He himself was a high school drop out, got involved with drugs and nearly died from an overdose as a teen. He says his job isn't to give all the answers but he wants to teach people how to think about the problem, but how can they come up with their own solutions. He teaches parents how to become an expert themselves.
He shares with us what a heroic parent is which he says he can't state this enough, it is a parent who is willing to look at themselves, their own childhood, their behaviors and traumas and triggers and do the work on themselves. We become a hero when we become a deeper more authentic version of ourselves. We transform and know ourselves better to become a more complete person. We know ourselves better so we can respond better to our child's struggles.
Dr. Reedy says, "Parenting skills and tools are not for changing children, but for changing the parents." He says when he goes in to teach parents he wants them to realize that what he teaches is to change them, not to change their children. We don't have control over our kids behaviors, all we can control is us. We can be healthy but we can't control their health/actions/behaviors. The only thing our healing will do is heal us, not fix other people.
Sometimes we think if we fix ourselves, then we will fix our kids and we need to let go of that need to "fix" them. We can't control if they feel loved we can just control how we show up. Our kids aren't broken, they need support and love and guidance.
As children we were taught that parents and children were responsible for each others behaviors, that is called codependency. Codependency is the illusion that youre doing something for somebody else but you're really doing it for yourself. It's trying to solve the problem by controlling somebody else. If I can fix my struggling child, then I can sleep at night. Codependency is a trauma response and until we work on our own traumas and get through them we cannot work through our own codependent behaviors with our kids.
If the solution to mom and dads problem is the kid getting better, then the kid is taking care of the parents. But parents are responsible for their own serenity and happiness. We don't burden the kid with our own happiness, well being etc. it's too much for them to bear and isn't fair to them.
This episode is so vital and important for parents to hear. Please consider sharing if you find this episode valuable. Dr. Reedy has such a unique perspective and such important things to say that can help any family.
Dr. Reedy's book The Journey of the Heroic Parent.
Finding You: an evoke therapy podcast.