Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty, reveals when to start talking about puberty, how to start the conversation, and the important topics to discuss. Suanne also explains how to use techniques from Motivational Interviewing to improve your effectiveness during these talks.

Full show notes

Watching teenagers going through puberty can feel like a serious loss of control. Not only are you seeing your teen go through intense physical changes, but you’re bearing witness as their personality evolves every single day. One day you wake up and they’re not only taller than you, but hanging out with kids you’ve never met and using slang you don’t understand! The social and emotional changes going on inside them are like nothing they’ve ever felt before—and like nothing you’ve ever had to deal with as a parent.

These changes are occurring because teenagers going through puberty are preparing themselves for independent adult life. You want your teenager to ride this evolutionary wave and become a functional, autonomous adult—but allowing them to have independence is terrifying! What do you do when your teen begins staying out late with their friends, driving, forming romantic relationships, and making their own decisions?

As our teenagers are going through puberty, it’s important to talk to them about values and behavior so they can become strong, happy adults. It can be hard to have these talks, but they are so valuable when it comes to protecting teens’ well-being! We want teenagers going through puberty to be independent and make their own choices, but without guidance, they might end up making choices they regret.

Today’s guest is Dr. Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains. She’s helped kids and parents as a pediatrician for over 30 years, and sits on several counsels for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She’s not only an academic professional in the field of child development, but has also been at the wheel herself as the mother of three adult sons.

A Doctor and A Mom!

In fact, Dr. Connelly originally decided to write a book about teenagers going through puberty when she noticed a certain disparity between her experiences as a mother and a pediatrician. As a mom, she would constantly hear other mothers brag about how successful or healthy their kids were. In her practice, however, she found that the majority of parents tended to be insecure about their child’s physical, social, mental and emotional progress; things that they couldn’t control. As a doctor, Suanne discovered what worries parents the most about teenagers going through puberty. As a mother, she realized just how afraid adults are to talk about those worries.

Knowing that many parents were embarrassed to discuss these anxieties, she decided to become a public voice that could offer solutions to common worries. She resolved to use her knowledge from years of working with teens as a health professional and a mother to help put parents everywhere at ease.

In this episode, Dr. Connelly shares tips on how to help parents with teenagers going through puberty navigate the physical aspect of these changes, and so much more. She starts by answering the common query about when parents should step in and begin having conversations with teenagers about their developing bodies.

A Secret Tell-Tale Sign of Puberty

Interestingly, Suanne says the best time to start talking to teenagers about puberty is when you notice a change in their foot size! She explains that teenagers grow from the outside in, and their feet and hands are generally the first to get bigger. When you observe a change in the size of your kid’s feet, this means they are in the beginning stage of teenagers going through puberty.

So, your teenager has outgrown their third pair of sneakers this month and you’re off to the shoe store again. It might be time to finally address their physical transformation. You want to reach out to them...but you’re not quite sure how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.

As a doctor, Suanne gives “the talk” every day. It’s not the same “talk” you might be thinking of, in which parents give their teens information about the birds and the bees. Instead, this “talk” is more of an interview. It’s the time of a pediatric exam when the doctor takes a teen or pre-teen aside from their parents and asks them about substance use, sexual activity, and social life, among other things. Delivering these talks for so many years has helped Suanne understand how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.

And she’s here to share them with you!

The Big Question

I start by asking Dr. Connelly the million dollar question: how do we start these conversations with teenagers going through puberty? Instead of asserting yourself to start a conversation about puberty teenage years, Dr. Connelly recommends asking your teenager for permission first. Asking your teenager if they’re comfortable talking about what’s going on with them helps you seem more approachable. It also allows them to feel comfortable, like they have a certain control over the conversation. They’ll be more receptive to talking about themselves and their experiences if they’ve agreed to do so first.

Motivational Interviewing

This is part of an approach to counseling called motivational interviewing. This emerging technique is highly recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics, and is one of the most promising methods for counseling of any kind—but especially for having tough talks with teenagers going through puberty. It stresses the practice of empathy, a lack of judgment, and positive reinforcement.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually very simple! I’ll walk you through the basics.

Say you want to talk to your teen about the dangers of smoking or vaping.

Start out by asking your teenager if they would be open to a conversation on the subject. By asking them first, you’re sending them the message that the two of you are on the same level and providing a safe space. You’re showing them respect and in doing so, gaining trust.

If they agree to a discussion, you can ask them some questions about smoking: do they smoke or vape? Do their friends smoke or vape? How do they feel about the idea of smoking overall?

The next thing to focus on when responding to these questions is positive reinforcement. If your child says that their friends smoke and vape but they don’t, praise them for their ability to maintain their integrity in the face of peer pressure. That’s not easy, and they should be recognized for their strength of character. But at the same, refrain from judging or scolding your teenager as much as you can because negative reinforcement is not as healthy.

But how do you positively reinforce behavior you don’t agree with, such as smoking? You don’t. You want to hold off on judgment and use empathy instead. In many cases, teens get into smoking due to peer pressure, a force that parents like Suanne can totally relate to and empathize with. Many parents can feel pressured from other parents to conform to certain ideas about raising children. And I think everyone has felt pressured to change an opinion based on what coworkers and friends might think.

Teachable Moments

So how can we judge our kids for being susceptible to something we’re so susceptible to ourselves? Instead of judging our teens, Suanne suggests that we look at these instances as teachable moment...