Everything is a gift, but it's not your responsibility to accept every gift that's given to you. Just because someone offers you something, does not mean you have to accept it.     The word "gift" has been around for a long, long time, and when you get into German and you break it down, it basically means to give or receive, or natural talent. But if you keep looking further into the etymology and other aspects of the gift, it's also meaning "poison". Let's look at the word poison: deadly potion or substance, also figuratively, spiritually corrupting ideas, evil intentions.     Be choosy and pick the loveliest gifts. That's with friendships, that's with everything in your life; what you surround yourself with. When do you know how to let go of the gift (the good gift)? When a gift has already served you, perhaps it's time to share that gift. That gift could be something like, you'll learn how to do something, so then you become someone's mentor. You're gifting them your experience and helping them out.      We have a free gift for you. Go to https://www.ourfriendlyworldpodcast.com/ and pick up a free copy of Fawn's “Ikigai of Friendship” companion book And to gift us, tell others about our podcast, and leave a kind review. Thank you!   The Gift – TRANSCRIPT [00:00:00] Fawn: Welcome back guys. [00:00:02] Matt: Hello. [00:00:03] Fawn: Hello. Lovies loves. Hello friends. . Hello. Welcome back, . You know, welcome back. I learned from a swami that everything is a gift, but it's not your responsibility to accept every gift that's given to you. And. That came to me at a point where I was feeling, the weight of everything. [00:00:28] Fawn: And there were people that were mean to me that there were situations where I, I was being faced with that I was just handling everything. And last week we talked about the power of saying no, and I was saying that, it's become so rude now that people have gone overboard with a word no you know, like, no, I choose not to. [00:00:51] Fawn: Like that kind of, no, but looking at everything in life as a gift, you are not meant to experience everything. [00:01:03] Matt: What do you mean? [00:01:04] Fawn: On your own? When someone offers you something, you don't have to accept it. Just because someone offers you a gift, cuz that gift could be not nice [00:01:16] Matt: and Yes, absolutely. And of course and as we all well know, there are the dueling sayings of don't look to gift horse in the mouth and, [00:01:24] Matt: well, [00:01:25] Fawn: yeah, but you, I think mostly we are feeling like, oh, we can't turn down a gift. Do you know what I'm saying? Or like, even when bad things happen, we're like, well, that's a gift, , [00:01:38] Matt: but , let's, well, we, we attempt to frame things in a positive way. Hmm. [00:01:42] Fawn: Okay. Oh, well let's get into the etymology of gift. Let's just figure out what that is. Which is really bizarre; what I'm about to read. Okay, so a gift, the entymology of it is "that which is given". It comes from Scandinavian, old Norse, which looks exactly like gift, gift or gift gift. [00:02:06] Fawn: Good luck. Proto Germanic Geftiz, G E F T I Z, source also of Old Saxon gift. So basically the word gift goes way, way, way back. But when you get to, when you go to like old Friesian, which is Jefte, I don't know how you pronounce it, you guys. It's J E F T E. Middle Dutch is G H I F T E. [00:02:36] Fawn: The word "gift" has been around for a long, long time, and when you get into the German and you break it down, it basically means to give, but if you keep looking further into it, there's G H A B H. , which again means to give or receive. And we're also looking at it's also a natural talent, it means all these things. [00:03:03] Fawn: But for German, G I F T, Dutch, Danish, Swedish, G I F T, it's also meaning "poison". [00:03:14] Matt: Oh dear. [00:03:15] Fawn: Isn't that interesting? So let's look at the word poison. [00:03:18] Matt: Oh man. I don't know if I want to go there. [00:03:23] Fawn: It means also poison: a deadly potion or substance, also figuratively, spiritually corrupting ideas, evil intentions. [00:03:36] Fawn: It goes on. But isn't that interesting, Matt, considering what we were taught by a Swami a long time ago, and the fact that gift is also linked with "poison', like the word is the same as poison. [00:03:52] Matt: Yeah. Yeah. Well, honestly, to me it depends on the nature of the, what you're being offered, you know what exactly is on offer? [00:04:02] Fawn: So you really wanted to talk about this today. What brought this up for you? [00:04:09] Matt: You hear about a lot of people. I hear rather, from, people around me of just instances where it's one of these things that, Hmm. Best way to describe it is, I used to think I was super wise, cause all my friends would come to me and talk to me about all sorts of stuff that, you know, was really weighing on them. [00:04:29] Matt: And it was usually something they were emotionally connected to. And because I wasn't emotionally connected to it, I could clearly see what was going on in their world and they were like, oh, you're so right. Matt And I felt brilliant until I was emotionally connected to stuff and then I couldn't let it go and, and whatever. [00:04:44] Matt: So I've been talking with people around me lately and they're, There's a lot of history and there's a lot of things going on, and there's a lot of commitments and people are bringing them things that they need them to do, and these people are saying, okay, yes, absolutely. So instead of necessarily a gift, I'm just, I've been thinking more about people being, asked to accept [00:05:10] Matt: basically a burden or a poison maybe. Mm-hmm. . [00:05:12] Fawn: Right? Exactly. [00:05:14] Matt: And, and these people don't feel like they're in a place where they can say no. [00:05:17] Fawn: Right. Like, I felt like that with my family, and that's why I had to completely separate myself from them completely. [00:05:26] Matt: Right. [00:05:27] Fawn: Because they were, that's what they kept offering me. [00:05:31] Fawn: And it was because what, what? Because you're related. , whatever the situation is, so you're supposed to take it. You're supposed to take everything that they throw out at you, [00:05:44] Matt: right? [00:05:44] Fawn: No, you [00:05:45] Fawn: don't. [00:05:46] Matt: Due to these types of obligations. And as a, in point of fact, recently, there's an NFL team that's maybe not doing so well. [00:05:54] Matt: Uh, Indianapolis Colts and they fired their head coach. and they offered the job to another guy. The other guy said, who was, I think he might have been the quarterback's coach. It doesn't matter. He wasn't the head coach, but he was one of the important quote unquote important coaches. And he said, no thanks. [00:06:13] Matt: He actually, and everybody was like, because it's almost like it's un-American to say, I don't want this promotion, or I don't want this promotion right now. And people look at you like you're fundamentally flawed somehow if you turn it down; in the same way, they look at you like you're, I don't know, ungrateful if you, if it's a familial obligation and you turn it down, [00:06:38] Fawn: right? [00:06:39] Fawn: Like people looked at me all evil and I'm sure they still do if they find out that I had to cut off my family . But yeah, I'm not obligated. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean that you have to put up with abuse, right? No one has to put up with abuse. And I hear people all the time saying, oh God, bless them. [00:06:59] Fawn: Look at that. They were totally beaten up as a kid. They were totally abused, but they got it back together. They're back together. They forgave and they're back together. And I think most people that I, I used to talk to would say that about me. I'm like, NO. You know, some people won't change. Some people just don't. [00:07:21] Fawn: And you have to be okay with that. You have to accept that, and it's hard. It's like a huge magnet, always pulling you back to these people that are constantly hurting you or a situation that is constantly hurting you because you feel like you have to keep accepting it and you don't. You know, a long time ago, I was on a huge photo shoot. [00:07:44] Fawn: We were out in the bush, we were in Ethiopia,. I shared this this whole excursion with a famous photographer, meaning we split the cost in half. Mm-hmm. , I was an unknown photographer, not sponsored by anyone. I was working for myself, and he was sponsored by a whole bunch of galleries and huge companies. [00:08:07] Fawn: everything was paid for for him. You know what I'm saying? Right. And it was so abusive. He was so disgusting. He was horrible to pretty much everybody and the earth, like horrible, egotistical horribleness. And, and I kept putting up with it. And, um, one day after so many things went down after our lives were in danger for like the fifth time [00:08:37] Fawn: one of the people that we traveled with, we, we traveled with two people. Mm-hmm. one is a person who drives and the other person is responsible for negotiating with the tribes and like, speaks the language, speaks the lang. They both speak the language. Oh, okay. But like, but yeah, maneuvering things and making sure that you're safe, um, that everything is copacetic, that you don't do anything wrong. [00:08:59] Fawn: That basically they keep you safe. Anyway, one day we were sitting by the fire and it was just me and them. The, the other photographer was off somewhere and they're like, they, they were talking to me, but they weren't talking at me. They were like, why do you keep accepting this? Like, and then shortly before that, I overheard them talking about me and they were saying, it must be self-esteme. [00:09:29] Fawn: Now, I don't know if they were talking about me, but that rang true. I'm like, if it is me that they're talking about, it's true. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't feel like, I felt like I deserved it. Whatever. Whatever it was. You know what I'm saying? [00:09:45] Matt: I do [00:09:45] Fawn: that. I, it's okay. I'm used to it, and that changed me forever. [00:09:52] Fawn: I'm like, wait a minute. I don't deserve this abuse. I don't deserve this ugliness. I don't deserve this crap. And that changed me. And I'm here to let you know that of all the gifts in the world, be choosy and pick the loveliest gifts for yourself. That's with friendships, that's with everything in your life, what you surround yourself with. [00:10:18] Fawn: And we have to remember that. And sometimes we need a friend gifting us the harsh truth of, wow, you must have so low self-esteem, . Ouch. [00:10:30] Matt: But sometimes, yes, you're right. It is necessary. [00:10:32] Fawn: I mean, and you know what? It didn't hurt. It was like an eye-opening experience. It didn't hurt my feelings because I knew that they felt about me; they looked at me like I was special. That I was, I was, I. Of value to the world, and they couldn't believe that I had low self-esteem. You know what I'm saying? [00:10:55] Matt: Absolutely. [00:10:55] Fawn: So as a friend, we're letting you know that you are worth it. You are magnificent and special, and you deserve beautiful gifts. [00:11:07] Fawn: So take a look around and see. , what's the word, Matt? Is it perfunctory? Things are around you? Like what does that mean? Just think perfunctory just [00:11:17] Matt: means you're just taking a look at what's going on and you're just like, yeah, okay. Like [00:11:20] Fawn: you're peripheral . What you, you're just like, eh, whatever. But like what kind of stuff around you is just, there is stuff in your life? [00:11:30] Fawn: Take a good look at everything. Everything should have beautiful significance, don't you think, Matt? [00:11:38] Matt: I. I do. And even moments in time, like one of the things that's been so interesting in, you know, moving is everything's new and all of a sudden you're really looking at the entire world with what they call zen mind, beginner's mind. [00:11:55] Matt: You're looking at everything brand new because guess what? Everything is brand new. and it's about holding onto that feeling. And it's about, it's about this morning, we looked across the street, the light was really pretty this morning, and we looked across the street at a building and, and I was like, wow, look at that building, right? [00:12:12] Matt: And, and, and you said, yeah, but look at those birds on that tree. And I'm like, what birds? I didn't see 'em because I'm short and there was only like, there was. 30 birds on this street. Right. And I didn't see it, but it's, you were like, it's about paying attention. It's about, and it's about looking at things and really saying, this is beautiful. [00:12:32] Matt: Mm-hmm. . And, you know, maybe even dare to say, I deserve this. I deserve to feel this way. I, [00:12:40] Fawn: et cetera, I deserve. My life deserves for me to pause and honor this thing, or the thing deserves being honor. Right. And , you never know. It's not just for you, but other people. So as we were looking at this thing, Matt was wanting to keep walking, but I'm like, of course. [00:12:58] Fawn: Like, hold on, hold on. So we were in the parking lot and I was standing in a parking spot. Okay. I didn't realize it was a parking spot. And I was like, oh my God, Matt, look, not just at the birds, but I'm like, the light is so bizarre right now. It's so beautiful. There was like dark clouds, but everything was not dark like, like dark as in like, whoa, dark woo [00:13:28] Fawn: I can't talk today. But it wasn't like sinister. It was like this beautiful dark shade, and the buildings were illuminated, and then the trees in front of them were like hyper illuminated like gold. Beautiful. And I was like, wow. And I didn't wanna move. I was just like, oh my goodness. And the air smelled lovely. [00:13:54] Matt: The air did smell lovely, [00:13:56] Fawn: delicious. and then I realized there's a woman trying to pull into that parking spot that I was in. Like I was standing there and I, and I looked at her, I'm like, oh my God, I'm sorry. So like a pigeon, I like kind of flew up and like got on the sidewalk . But, and then we went into the, it was a coffee shop, you guys, so we went into the coffee shop and we were taking forever ordering cuz we were talking to our friend who works there and she, we were, I don't know, it was taking forever. [00:14:22] Fawn: And the same lady who was waiting for me to move so she could park, she was right behind us. I'm like, oh no, it's you again. I'm, I'm sorry. Oh yes, . I said, oh no, I'm sorry. I'm holding you up again. And she's like, no, no, it's okay. And by the way, what were you looking at ? So we told her and she said, I wish I would've looked. [00:14:43] Fawn: I didn't realize, I wish I would've seen it, because she was like, why were you standing there? And what were you looking at? Like, I was wondering. So we told her. Right. Anyway, it's even connections are everywhere. [00:14:55] Matt: Everywhere. [00:14:56] Fawn: So the gift could spread, right? But also a gift could get moldy [00:15:04] Matt: Well, that's the other thing. You know, what are, what are, you know, things that people accept that maybe they shouldn't. and you know, I did briefly talk about the guy who was offered the promotion and turned it down because heaven forbid you turned down a promotion. But [00:15:19] Fawn: also, like when I said a gift can get moldy is perhaps it's time to pass the gift along to someone else. [00:15:27] Matt: Sometimes it is [00:15:27] Fawn: to, keep it going, like flowing water. If water is left stagnant, it gets dirty. And moldy. But if it keeps flowing, the gift can still be beautiful and shiny. [00:15:42] Matt: Yes. [00:15:42] Fawn: So when do you know how to let go of the gift? The good gift. Do you know what I'm saying? The good one, because it always, it, it already served your purpose and it will be with you forever. [00:15:55] Fawn: So now perhaps it's time to share that gift , right. That gift could be something like, you'll learn how to do something, so then you become someone's mentor. [00:16:06] Matt: Oh, okay. That's fair. [00:16:07] Fawn: So you're gifting them your experience and helping them out. Right. It's phenomenal. Like I, I have a mentor and Wow, I'm so grateful because it will like, I, okay, it's like going school. [00:16:23] Fawn: I always envied people at university because I had to work so hard and pay in cash for every, every, every class I had at university and I couldn't afford to finish and get a degree, and I always felt bad about that. And I looked at other people who were at University, who had it taken care of by their parents, or they got grants or they got financial aid. [00:16:51] Fawn: You know, they had help in some way, in some fashion where they could just go to school and focus on going to school. I never had that luxury and I saw it as a luxury. Mm-hmm. , and I would look at these people who would go to these lecture halls. I'm like, look at that. Sorry guys. I left my. Where is it ? It's probably in your jacket. [00:17:11] Fawn: So, but I would look at these people who would go to class to school and I'm like, wow. All they have to do is go and sit down and be fed information where I have to go pound the streets and maybe take months and sometimes years to understand how to do something or to get exposed to a certain level of something where I can be in the "in" crowd. [00:17:42] Fawn: Right. But when you have, you know what I mean? It's a [00:17:44] Matt: gift. It is. And you know, I'm sitting over here feeling a little guilty cuz I was in the latter. [00:17:51] Fawn: You shouldn't feel guilty. [00:17:52] Matt: And you shouldn't feel guilty. It was a gift. Appreciate it for what it was. Be thankful for what it was because yeah, that's all I had to do was sit in a lecture hall and be spoon fed information. [00:18:03] Matt: Awesome. [00:18:03] Fawn: Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, in you. . I didn't know a lot back then, and I'm sure everything I experienced is a gift for me, right? Because I turned out the way I did. You know? Uh, obviously it has some greater purpose that I'm, that maybe I, I'm, it's more than I'm aware of. The purpose is more than I'm aware of. [00:18:27] Fawn: You know, there's a reason for everything. I believe that. Mm-hmm. . So anyway, many kinds of gifts and have you ever gotten a gift? This happened at our wedding. Have you ever gotten a gift that is so wrapped; beautifully wrapped, but there's crap inside. [00:18:48] Matt: Oh dear. [00:18:49] Fawn: When we got married, for those of you who've been listening to us for a long time, you've heard us talk about our wedding. We were on our friend's podcast who's a wedding planner, and it was an hour long show where we told her every detail about what happened at our wedding. It was crazy. [00:19:07] Fawn: Anyway, so many, it's a movie, but one of the other things that went wrong in our wedding was the photographer who was a supposed friend of mine. , every photograph he took was terrible. Out of focus. Horrible. I mean, so many things. I don't wanna get into it. I'm gonna get really angry again. Huh, guys? So he wrapped everything, like all the negatives and everything in this beautiful box, like really well wrapped. [00:19:41] Fawn: Really, he did it because he didn't want me to open it right away in front of him. And to see, because he knew I wasn't a hurry, that I would only like meet him for like 30 seconds to grab the pictures and leave. So it was beautifully wrapped. Like a present. Mm-hmm. , pretty little bow and everything. And then when we got home, I opened it. [00:20:01] Fawn: I was like, what the hell is this? ? Horrible guys. Horrible. Like seriously, we don't have any photos of our wedding. The few that were, that I salvaged myself, I had to completely Photoshop and only print very, very, very, very small pictures cuz they're terrible. Anyway, I digress. Yes, but always look at like don't be fooled by the package. [00:20:32] Matt: True. Definitely true. [00:20:34] Fawn: Any other gifts you can think? [00:20:36] Matt: Well, I was thinking about it and I was more thinking about things people might offer that maybe you should, you need to think twice and three times about, and one of those things really is, I don't really participate a lot on like a Facebook as far as social networking goes, but welcome to LinkedIn because, well, there you go, as a professional, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [00:20:57] Matt: Just because somebody sends you a friend request, or a LinkedIn request doesn't mean you have to say, okay. And I know there's like this weird statusy thing about, oh yes, I have 500 plus connections, but if you don't know these people, if you can't vouch for these people, are you gonna have guilt by association by just being connected to these people? [00:21:17] Matt: Something to really think about. It's, it's, it's a very delicate thing to bring someone into your circle, to bring someone into your list, your network. , and it's something to really consider and really be careful about. Yeah. [00:21:33] Fawn: Is it nourishing or is it poison? [00:21:36] Matt: And there you go, nourishing and poison. [00:21:38] Matt: And also, you know, looking at another instance where they're always like, oh, you should never, ever, ever accept a counter offer. So when you leave a job, oftentimes as you're saying, I redesign, they're like, oh, you know, of course we'll match your salary. What do you, what do you need to stay? [00:21:56] Matt: People always say, don't do it. Don't ever do it. And the real, [00:22:00] Fawn: Why? [00:22:01] Matt: The reason, well, the rationale behind it and, you know, to say never, it's more of a, mostly like, almost never. Mm-hmm. . But the problem is, is that, there are reasons why you started looking. Mm-hmm. , it's never, it's rarely ever just the money. [00:22:20] Matt: There's usually other stuff and sometimes it's just, I want a new challenge or a change of scenery. I want to see what life is out there cuz maybe you've been in a job too long. Sometimes it's a toxic boss, which is not gonna be fixed by money. [00:22:34] Fawn: So Matt, would this be equivalent to a friendship or like a romantic relationship where you say, I wanna leave and then they talk you into staying so you stay, but then they always know [00:22:48] Fawn: that you were planning to leave. So then it's also an opportunity for them to be the one that leaves or makes you leave. [00:22:55] Matt: And and there you go. And that's the other thing that they, they always talk about is they, um, is certainly if you've already resigned and then they need to make, and they, they dragged you back and you stayed and maybe you're doing what exactly what you did before, but if they have to make cuts, you're at the top of the list [00:23:13] Matt: because you were gonna leave anyways. [00:23:15] Fawn: You're suspect. [00:23:16] Fawn: Exactly. . [00:23:18] Matt: And then there's that whole sense of refusing drama. [00:23:20] Fawn: I had a friend that would always say, , and it seemed so inopportune. Is that the word? What's the word? [00:23:29] Matt: You have to gimme the complete thought. Inopportune is a good word, [00:23:32] Fawn: but it, it seemed harsh. Like you're in the middle of something and the person says, save the drama for your mama, Hao. Save the drama for your mama. [00:23:43] Fawn: which is funny because I've heard the kids say it. Mm-hmm. , I'm like, Hey, I don't want it. , . [00:23:49] Matt: It's just, yeah. Sometimes it's like, you know, you need to weigh it and you need to figure out whether or not, you're willing to continue forward. And sometimes it's continue forward in a relationship with someone, friendship, et cetera. [00:24:03] Matt: Accepting the fact that, you know, they're, they want you to accept this level of. [00:24:08] Fawn: and sometimes you have to be clear of what you are willing to accept. For example, talking about actual physical gifts, I've had to tell so many of our friends, please don't send us gifts, please, because we want to have a minimal household, meaning that we don't want a bunch of stuff. [00:24:29] Fawn: we don't want a lot of things right? So please stop buying gifts because you're trying to show your affection. You're trying to show that you love us and you love the kids. You don't have to buy something. We're all about experience, so you don't need to buy a physical thing and then some, and then they don't get it. [00:24:51] Fawn: So then I have to say, look, it's a burden when you send us gifts. You know, like I don't want a bunch of stuff. Right. or like remember like plastic stuff. Like I couldn't stand anything plastic. Mm-hmm. or toxic, you know, like people don't realize something is to, you know, they just buy stuff because it's cute. [00:25:11] Fawn: Right. I'm like, oh my God, this will end up in the landfill. Yep. Like, please don't, because we would never buy this. Right. Um, so please don't, so you have to explain things several times. So you have to explain, I. You have to let people know what you're about and what you're willing to accept on all levels. [00:25:30] Fawn: Yes. Not just like physical, cute, little gifts, right? You have to express to people what you're willing to express. To what you're willing to accept. Accept, accept. Accept. , not except . English is very bizarre. It is. English is so hard. Too many [00:25:49] Matt: rules. [00:25:50] Fawn: Ugh. Too many rules and then they're like, oh, in this case we we're gonna break this rule. [00:25:54] Fawn: Anyway, that's another show. . [00:25:57] Matt: Oh dear. [00:25:57] Fawn: For those of you studying English around the world, I'm sorry. [00:26:01] Matt: Me too. [00:26:02] Fawn: My goodness. I mean, seriously. And I don't even wanna get into the semicolon punctuation. Anyway. All right. Are we, are we done? I think we're done. Is that our message for today? That is our message today. [00:26:16] Fawn: Here's a little gift for you. Accept it or not . We love you so much. Thank you for the gift of listening. We love you so much and we'll talk to you in a few days. Take care. Be well. Bye.