It's an explosive battle of the septuagenarians as Biden and Trump trade shocking blows in the race for the White House! We'll take you through all the cringe-worthy highlights.
First, disturbing accounts emerge of Grandpa Joe practically zoning out during crucial meetings on Ukraine aid and energy policy. Sources claim a barely-there, blink-and-you-missed-it POTUS who needed triple espresso shots just to mumble "more javelins". 
Then it's on to the dueling dementia as Kevin McCarthy details Biden's wild PM/AM lucidity swings during the debt ceiling psycho-bidergy. One minute a lively negotiator, the next a drooling Jell-O cups pitchman! The White House shrugs it off as just some 9D chess brain work.
Not to be outdone, Trump's 2016 rants about indicting Hillary for a "crisis" and "government halting" get thrown back in his now felonious face. The sheer obliviousness required to become the very situation he once fear-mongered over is simply *chef's kiss*.
But chin up, Don! Those new swing state polls showing Biden inching ahead in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania should totally revive your campaign trail pep! Or...maybe give your MAGA base anxiety over losing its fabled "Blue Wall" stranglehold?
It's a true clash of the Crypt Keeper titans - fromDeliriumDonald to SlurryJoe, no ageist insult will be spared! Drool rags at the ready, this one's gonna get gnarrrrrly! Forget the largest promissory lead, it may come down to whoever can simply stay conscious the longest.  
So settle in for all the golden giggles as we gleefully mock the dueling den-tures of our archetypal American candidates. 'Cause Lord knows, if we don't get some sick yucks out of their escalating decrepitude, we'd probably just have to cry into our prune juices!

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