Mitch Prinstein, author of the book "Popular", talks about his research on teenage popularity and reveals the scientific explanation for why teens get so obsessed with status. He also shares some simple things parents can do to help teens keep everything in perspective.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! 

Full show notes

Your child is entering high school and all of a sudden, they’re acting like a totally different person. They’re on their cell phone at all hours of the day, talking and texting with their friends. They want to completely change their hair and wardrobe to fit in with other students. They beg you to drive them to the mall after school so they can socialize and act like the world will end if they can’t go.

As a parent, you may have recently watched these kinds of behaviors emerge as your kids become obsessed with teenage popularity. This infatuation with being cool can cause your teenager to become distracted from school or other important commitments, and can be a cause of serious anxiety. If your teenager is desperate for the approval of their peers, rejection can be extremely painful for them.

When I was in high school, I often found it difficult to fit in. I seemed to have a bit of a rebellious streak, but didn’t always run with the dangerous crowd. I was smart, but didn’t quite blend with the academic kids. One day, when I was particularly upset about it, my father sat me down and decided to talk with me about teenage popularity. He reflected on his own high school experience, telling me that he also struggled with finding his crowd. He said that it was later in his life, in college, where he really found the people who were important to him. I was so thankful and happy to have had that conversation with him.

These are the kinds of talks we should be having with our teens about popularity. My guest today, Mitch Prinstein, author of Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World, discusses the mechanisms of teenage popularity and how they can be amplified by social media. We talk in depth about whether or not parents should want their teen to be popular, tips for talking to your kids about popularity and how one’s teenage popularity status affects them as they continue into adulthood.

In the episode, Mitch breaks down the psychology of why teenage popularity suddenly becomes an obsession to the teenage brain. This phenomenon is a result of different chemicals that are working overtime during adolescence. Essentially, teen brains change to become more and more focused on the approval of peers, with the eventual goal of reproduction. When the brain is fully mature, it is generally less sensitive to caring what other people think. That’s one reason why popularity feels like less of a big deal to adults as compared to teens. It’s simply coded in our ancient biology to care about popularity as teens!

So why has teenage popularity gotten so much more intense in recent years? This infatuation with teenage popularity has become enormously amplified by the addition of social media to our daily lives. Suddenly our existence includes followers, likes, and reposting others’ ideas. This new aspect of socialization combined with the adolescent need for social validation can be dangerous for young people.

Social media has also become more and more damaging to self-esteem, as teenagers have begun to place a great deal of their worth on the attention they receive from it. Mitch tells us that if it takes more than 10 minutes for a teen’s friends to like their pictures (often selfies or pictures of their body), they experience a drop in self-esteem. Social media isn’t just a trivial part of the teenage social routine either; kids are now reporting that they spend more time socializing online than they do in person.

How can we stop this problem? Mitch details this in the episode, giving strategies for how to sit down with your teen and discuss the effects of social media so that they can become less susceptible to its influences. Research shows that although 60-70% of parents try to regularly talk to their kids about their offline social relationships, they rarely talk to kids about their online social interaction. By teaching your kids how to use social media responsibly and reminding them that they’re worth more than their likes or followers, you can help them manage their self-esteem and social media presence.

Ok, so maybe your teenager is obsessed with popularity and social media now, but that’s not going to affect them later in life, right? Actually, one of the most startling concepts found in Mitch’s book is how much our teenage popularity status affects our lasting adult perceptions of ourselves. Adolescence is when your brain begins to mature, the first time your mind starts to ask itself: who am I as an adult individual? The world around you informs you of who you are during this time, and this information and identity stick with you for years to come. We go back to our memories of adolescence again and again when attempting to understand who we are and how we fit into the world.

Mitch’s research looks at how teenage popularity is constantly influencing how we perceive cultural forces as we interact with them. His results show that those who were unpopular or bullied in high school or middle school often view the world around them as hostile, while many who were popular or easily moved through their social environment find things to be much less intimidating.

As a parent, these forces may be exerting their influence over you without you even knowing. Studies show that parents who were unpopular tend to be overly wary of the interactions their kids have with their peers as they are more nervous that these peers may hurt or bully their child. It can be helpful to take some time to think about how your own teenage popularity status affects the way you treat your teenager. Are you restricting them too much from meeting different kinds of people because your own experiences have made you too cautious?

With all of this information in mind, you might be wondering if it’s better for your teen to be popular or if popularity can be a negative influence. Mitch is prepared to tackle this question in the episode. He details an important difference when it comes to teenage popularity: the difference between being high in status and being likeable. Although being high in status may seem appealing, Mitch reveals that the surprisingly negative consequences that teenage popularity can have on a person later in life.

He argues that it’s much better for kids to be likeable, and to form meaningful bonds with other students that lead to nurturing and supporting friendships. Being capable of creating these kinds of friendships is a much higher indicator of future success than high status during adolescence. In the episode, he gives tips for talking to your teen about their popularity obsession and where they should really be putting their energy. As a parent, you may not know what to do when your child suddenly becomes obsessed with “teenage popularity” and social status. While you cannot control whether or not your teen is popular, it’s always good to remind them that the most important thing is not status; it’s being kind. By giving this episode a listen, you’ll be able to learn the important facts about teenage popularity and how to guide your teen into making choices that will lead them towards a brighter future.

Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on