Weekly Recap 2/12

He's our friend, he's ok with it.

You don't embarrass me.

I suppose that's a good idea because you don't want to look like a jackass.

Why would you want your head to look like a stop sign?

Lifelong curiosity

I don't need you here anymore, go back to work.

You got a lettermans jacket.

So it's like boom, chink, clunk.

And she's not afraid to get dirty.

You just used 30 words that I don't know in one sentence

Weekly recap 1/28

Everything is a lie

One should be enough

I lied a lot to you growing up.

You do not have a specific taste palate.

Second week in a row, mommy knows the killer on 48 hours.

I love you, but you puked a lot on me when you were younger.

Sometimes things are just too much to handle.

When we go to see Star Wars next, you'll drive.

Ok, don't do that, first of all.

Bedtime is Bedtime, don't get out of bed.

It's entirely possible that your mother dreamed that.

Weekly Recap 1/14

It's the SAME song.

I could totally see that.

You see what I did there?

I was glued to the screen the entire time.

So, let's go back...What's a piranha gun?

Lets make this quick, I have to pee.

You're not the only one entitled to crazy dreams.

Weekly Recap 1/7

Maybe he just needs a little encouragement.

Are you still mad?

It's just not as impressive to me as a mime juggling.

That's not true. We took it to e-recycling.

You dropped me on my head so many times.

I like doodles, doodles are the journey.

When do we ever look at a clock?

How interesting this must be.

I think you think it's a preference because for a long time it's been a necessity.

I don't know if I believe that either.

Do you have a favorite gift?

Santa's going to be pretty teed off that we didn't leave him cookies.

Aren't we all out of order?

This is not a free licence for you to go back into bad habits.

I don't see any lice, but I do see three 6's.

You're like a puppet master, you just close a tab.

'Cause you sleep in a big pile of crap.

Weekly Recap 12/17

Aaaah, dumb. Stupid, stupid,stupid, stupid, stupid...line.

Peeple don't understand Halloween.

Are you certain that you're hearing those all in context?

What the world expects from you.

You seemed cool, you had cool hair.

Silence is uncomfortable.

It's not my room if I don't enjoy it.

I'll give you hair dye if you come to work with me.

Yeah, that's a good guess.

Somebody ends up with a black eye.

Weekly recap 12/03

Yep, that's a Shakespearean lift.

I have to do the math.

I expect to have grandkids by the time I'm sixty four.

It needs to be recorded, I need to see this.

So don't repeat that at school yet.

We have a really odd family dynamic.

Ho, ho, ho...Baby with the weird shaped head.

He would feed me a handful of facts.

Hopefully that doesn't mean I'll forget one of my three kids names.

So grandma P is the grandmother from Caillou?

They were responsible for my hour and a half commute, One Direction was.

Weekly Recap 11/20

No, like I'm gonna puke.

I would be a fantastic criminal.

Not all of it is important, but all of it is really, really disgusting.

The truth is, God works through people.

That's actually my name, don't actually rob me.

Making your bed is a ritualistic piece.

Weekly Recap 11/12

A firm chunk of cat.

Look, your the predator now.

There's a special kind of magic that happens.

That's a wonderful thought to put me to bed with

We're already talking about the death of a fish we haven't even bought yet.

I'm my own Barbie head.

I bet there's a dirty sock in your bed right now.

Weekly Recap 11/05

Because its true. True statistics.

I'm gonna Google it in the morning.

I would never be able to eat someone

It's like a salmon smoothie.

Please give us the pizza!

Weekly recap 10/29

You can't just walk in and be like, "Hey put me in the haunted house."

You're growing up in an era where there is tons of technology that allows you to do that.

Oh my gosh, it's just the water guy.

You could make any story sounds boring

Like, entry level gang members, like, seventh graders...I could probably take them.

You had me at hello.

Weekly Recap 10/22

You have to say a prayer because I have to Qtip my ears.

Kit Kat. Kit Kat.

Saying stupid things just to get attention.

Cause that's the noise we use for everything.

Weekly Recap 10/15

I think I've seen lightning, like, once.

Maybe we can actually get some grass back

Do you want to talk about the elephant in the room?

8 gigabytes is a lot of gigabytes.

You want to turn into a father daughter vigilante thing?

That kind of makes my heart feel hurt.

I don't know how to explain it in a good way.

Weekly Recap 10/8

I immediately regretted watching it sitting in the house alone.

It's ok, I don't either.

So, you can dress up on campus?

That's called a Billy Ray, by the way.

Barbies rundown crackhouse.

You would be effectively waterboarding yourself.

Weekly Recap

Your ultimate goal is to make money.

You don't know how to handle your own failures and not being great.

Popular, I know about popular.

I would have made you wash with bleach.

You got my wigs sweaty, I assume you'll get my hat sweaty too.

My mom stuck my dead hamster on their fence.

Don't actually die though. The paperwork involved in that would suck.

It's definitely a part of you but it's not entirely who you are.

Weekly Recap

I get it. I hear you, but too bad.

Make up something that's a little more appropriate for your age

Don't live your life as a meme.

You bought really good cheese and you hid it from me?

You got the bad luck of teeth.

Did you speak French with Kody yesterday?

Don't say the F-word.

Weekly Recap, 9/18

That's why I do so poorly at Socratic seminars.

Listen, you're a Freshman in high school, maybe it's time you start keeping track yourself.

One of these days you'll realize that I am the smartest person you know.

Missing assignments is where I'll focus my energies.

I don't think that's true, because I'm currently a child.

You shouldn't even upload this episode...

I want you to participate in those things that you find enjoyable that are non school related.

Weekly Recap 9/10/15

If that happens, I'll go pretty quickly, which brings me some peace.

I am definitely going to be average, like, solidly in the bottom of the middle.

I'm not going to wear a Halloween costume to a Con.

I'm not going to sugar coat this. I need new pillows.

I feel like your perception of me and how my brain works is from the past.

Weekly Recap

Yeah, I'm selling organs on the black market.

That sounds like the start of am exciting year.

Another 9 more years and your brain will be fully formed.

I think I'm so sad, but I'm so happy right now.

You're at a Con, you do Con stuff...

Weekly Recap, 8/23

So pretend like I'm telling you you're not going to the Con...

I guessed the password. I got it on the first try.

Good talk, Son.

Oh boy, I can't do that math in my head.

How we handle disappointment..

I was secretly giggling to myself.

Oh my gosh, my toe's a celebrity.

So, are you going to talk to us about our coyote encounter?

How did you end up toasting marshmallow on our kitchen stove?

Weekly Recap - 8/16

It says, "Introduction to kinesiology." Is that what they call PE?

I can't just be the wingman...

You said "A towel made of water," I can't say "Like breathing in Jello?"

Do you mind if I butt in right here before you keep going?

You want Bling. I want Bling too.

Weekly Recap

You have to curb your excitement, you can't get killed in the process.

Older brothers can do this to younger sisters.

Go to bed... Like, actual bed.

Nothing good happens after 2 o'clock.

I didn't read his sign, but he was holding a sign.

Don't be surprised if all of your stuff is out on the front porch tomorrow.

No part of me is only school.

Weekly Recap

I feel like sometimes you underestimate me...

I think most artists dislike their own work.

Where was the outrage when we were killing all those other lions?

I'm 14 years old and I'm not grown up and mature...

Isn't "You walk like a guy" similar to "You throw like a girl?"

So until the intense shining spotlight dims down a bit...

Not into the ocean. That would make my problem worse.

What's the difference between stacked and piled?

Wearing the Cosplay makes me feel really, like, weirdly confidant.

My art history knowledge is poor.

I think the volunteers would have to be unwilling.

The destination is Trust.

Don't do that. It's not as cool as you think.

Lately I feel like I'm, like, doing something with my life.

So, like I said, I don't know if it's appropriate to tell you...

She broke a foot, Talia did...

Well maybe you could throw a fart joke or two in there.

If you actually had the anatomy of a hand that I drew, you'd never be able to open a can.

I don't have to get up and run around in at class.

I think I'm going to get another wig.

It's not a matter of opinion of they're in the community, it's fact.

Will wash babies for food. He had a sign.

I'm never gonna be talking about colors like colors wearing sunglasses.

It didn't start out as a positive message.

And you play for shoes and cigarettes and dime bags of cocaine.

Wow, so not where I thought you were going to go with that.

You can lay in it, you just can't eat it.

How did we get to talking about the different types of old people?

I don't want you making long term decisions based on short term problems.

So how is your summer going?

Funny, you don't look like a 14 year old girl.

You're not as funny tonight as you were last night.

That's you. You look like a chicken leg.

It's like someone just stuck a needle in my throat.

Reading through an encyclopedia is like walking through a Dollar Tree.

Modem art.

That's what you're taking exception with out of that sentence?

Not everyone was a professional comedian for a portion of their life.

That's the perfect amount of grime.

Just because it's a holiday doesn't mean it's a holiday from cleanliness.

Putting rocks in CK's water.

Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

The green thing actually got me more excited for high school.

So, when 8th grade is over and high school begins, I'm going to be expecting more original content.

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

We don't dig no chicks with buns and glasses.

My finger is just so disproportionate.

High school was the best 35 years of my life.

It would be things that are interesting to me.

I'm gonna cut you short unless you have something interesting to say.

That's what every almost 50 year old man wants to look like.

Oh my gosh, have you seen your knees?

They pride themselves on being kinda smart and sassy.

I'd really like to do something about this world hunger thing, but, uh...

Persperating. That sounds so much cooler though. Just let it happen.

We're not the heros society makes us out to be.

Instead of shaming fat people, they're shaming thin supermodels.

Extra lunch period could be extra math period.

If they were a snack or one of those physics things, I'd buy it.

Answer the question, Rick.

I am not History class. I am not offering more questions than answers.

Why'dya stop doing fun stuff when I was born?

Booya! No school tomorrow.

Not the chocolate milk stains. Those are my favorite.

When you eventually get your TED talk, lead with that.

It's something that a pirate would stereotypically say

I was trying to think if something interesting had happened to me today.

I didn't say it was a joke, I said it was a lie.

TCB. What? Take care of business. I thought it was a sandwich.

That's just what the Pikstick was invented for, so 13 year old girls could give their fathers wedgies.

So pee and poop would be fine, but throw up is where you draw the line?

Like, crunchy foods world hurt.

I'd go 1000 miles per hour always.

And maybe not the being held in a cage by our gym teacher.

You'll be an old lady by then.

There you go, that's it, make a tshirt.

This entire cubby is filled with my porcelain dolls.

This is a look in the life of Sydney.

There's always two teams that are like, "What is a baseball? "

You could be eating fish baby pudding.

Pigs. Where is this going?

Longer tongues are just better for turning.

That's the deal you make for freedom.

It's not disappointment, it's fear.

I'm going to high school, I gotta spread my wings.

I am throwing shade. Don't tell him I said that.

Was it a good hot dog? Like a big all beef 4 to 1?

"Hey, don't support gay people son."

I like my regularity in my sleep and on my bowel movements.

And then Rose. Rose is not a skinny waif girl.

Nice to see that John Travolta in drag is sending the same message that I have been trying to send.

I felt myself being nervous for him.

I know what all of those words mean and none of the content.

Can you hold off until we're finished, and then we'll let you rob us?

That just sucked...horrible... Miserable freakin' Day...

I believe my daughters have the same right to a good night sleep as my sons.

But I do like me some worship band.

Can we wrap this up? Your voice is making me tired.

If your leg falls off, call me.

Good talk, man.

'Cause I'd prefer to talk about that than Spanx.

We have so many bigger things to worry about.

Mommy likes the more traditional mummy cats, with the white tape on them.

Where did you learn all this crazy?

I don't need my historian studies from sixth grade.

If I ever get arrested, I'll thank Mrs. Matt.

I was very proud of myself for that dated reference.

On a completely different note, can I shave the side of my head?

Dude, you wanna sneak behind the bleachers and eat some broccoli?

You had to bring it full circle, didn't you?

Instead of saying a prayer, I almost said my phone number.

A pen you shall keep. Your hands are disgusting.

I think I was in prison when you were in kindergarten.

It's so tiny. I don't know why their calling it a fence.

I was sitting there crying in 6th period and I didn't know what to do.

And we're stuck, crouched in a bush...

You had an epic beard when you were two.

We're gonna suck, but we're still going to have a fantastic time.

Maybe it won't kill me, but it might kill you.

Don't be afraid to leave it on stage.

Zayn Malik is a beautiful human being.

Your always playing for second, boys.

I'm not gonna get in trouble about some pajama pants.

You've said "like," like, 15 times in that sentence.

Don't be a jerk.

Does the sound effect help?

That's not gonna happen, Ricky-boy.

You turn a lot of conversations into lectures.

I'll try anything once. Except for guacamole.

Sleeping and snoring.

Asmr no more questions.

We missed ultimate pi day.

If you make anything with oven, pan needs to be cleaned.

We're raising people.

Their parents must have been horrible.

I had a hat and a do-rag on in that picture.

It's like a White Elephant version of The Bachelor.

"Took your baby. BRB."

They just put 'em in a box with a plexiglass top on it.

Seriously? You thought I was coming at you with a tongue?

Your group is exactly who your group is.

You have actual, like, purple bags under your eyes.

Oh look, it's the Blue Man Group.

That behavior stops when it starts being illuminated.

If the ice cream truck is playing music, they are out of ice cream.

Tough to do a podcast when Syd is sleeping.

Sydney is at a sleepover

I dare you to eat that broccoli.

I'm not even afraid of mimes.

Lipsticks don't dry out.

I will be "owning your iPad and phone Dad."

So, apparently, you have the cognitive thinking ability of a 3 year old.

We'd get you a really nice hook... well, not like a pirates hook.

Flowers for Algernon

The phrase tearing meat and spilling flesh was definitely in there.

Improvement is the metric that everybody looks at.

Well, she's a witch. Whatja expect?

If you look it up, you'll find it.

That is true, some of it is gonna suck. But, I can promise you, it won't all suck.

What happens next is pure magic.

I feel bad for laughing at those commercials. And rightfully, you should.

Perfect scores are not always the most, um, beneficial.

I owe you an apology.

You do NOT have crippling social anxiety.

I don't see anything wrong with having a pizza on our time, Mr. Hand.

In Dog we trust.

A tired Sydney is like a completely untired Kody.

I have to tell you, I hated Marley &Me.

We're dusting for prints and yours aren't on that arrow.

I could rule the world!

It doesn't scare me. It just makes me like...

We never would have secretly wished that Brett Michaels was in a relationship with Nikki Sixx.

We are God.

Redhead, sorry. Is that an offensive term?

It smells like cookies. Don't even start with me.

Dosi-doh your partner, and you dosi-doh your corner...

You have to stop being shocked that you're good at math.

I will make a scene. I will make a complete scene.

I'm not sure what the standard for clay balls in bed is.